


All I Want

by Quixotic_writer



Category: Impractical Jokers
Genre: Angst, College, High School, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:08:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 21,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25770358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quixotic_writer/pseuds/Quixotic_writer
Summary: Sal and Q both pushed down their true feelings for the other, but a drunken graduation night allows everything to bubble to the surface.Sal felt like he was living a dream and wanted nothing more but to take things a step further and never wake up. Q felt as though his worst nightmare had come true and watches as everything he built up inside of him comes crumbling down.《inspired by the Blue Neighborhood album by Troye Sivan》
Relationships: Brian "Q" Quinn & Sal Vulcano, Brian "Q" Quinn/Sal Vulcano
Comments: 9
Kudos: 22





	1. WILD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You make my heart shake bend and break  
> But I can’t turn away  
> And it’s driving me wild  
> You’re driving me wild.”
> 
> “WILD” Troye Sivan

May 23rd, 1994 4:47 p.m. 

Neat rows of fold out chairs were occupied in the cafeteria of Monsignor High. Boys sat quietly in their chairs as Murr concluded his valedictorian speech and an uproar of applause slowly filled the room as he stepped down from the pedestal. Row after row, names were called, diplomas handed out, and parents shouted with unfiltered joy for their children. They soon were released out and officially free from the shackles of high school and sent off to pursue the challenges of the real world. 

A small group of 4 friends gather around each other outside the doors of a now quiet and empty cafeteria, laughing, hugging, and joking amongst each other. The group of friends contained Joe, Murr, Q, and Sal. They tease each other about how they all thought the other was gonna fail and how they're surprised they managed to survive all the way through to the end. Smiles wide and hopes high they share their fondest memories and watch as fellow classmates and people disperse and pile into their cars to leave, a sign to them that it's getting later and later into the evening. 

"You guys wanna come over to my place tonight to celebrate? My parents are letting me have the run of the place for the night and all my sisters are gonna be out too!" Sal exclaims with adrenaline still sinking into his nerves from finally having his diploma in his grasp. 

"Well if none of your sisters are there, count me out." Joe lightly hits Sal on his shoulder and got the reaction he wanted: a sinister sneer and a glare that read simply as death to Joe. "I'm kidding buddy and you know it. I got dinner tonight with my parents and family, no way am I getting out of it." Joe says smiling with a slight sadness in his eyes that he can't go out to celebrate with his friends. 

"Yeah, same here. My parents invited a boat load of relatives over and as much as I wish I could escape the interrogating questions they all will have waiting for me in regards to my future plans, I can't." Murr chimes in and he itches at the back of his neck as he sheepishly smiles. 

Sal turns to his last friend knowing he'll have him on his side for the night. 

"Is that even a question? Let's party tonight dude! Me and you." Q wraps an arm around Sal's neck and brings him in. Sal felt his heart hit the pavement in that moment and he felt dizzy. 

It had been blooming and looming feelings within the secrets spaces of Sal's heart. Hidden inside were the seeds of an aching passion that had planted within the arteries of Sal's emotions, a fixation and desire to have Q. The feelings had started mildly: small butterflies in his stomach, a desire to impress him in any way he could, compliments seeming as grand as gold stars on a young child's report card. As time progressed though, so did the feelings. Sal had reached a point where nothing would bring him greater joy than to just have a small sample taste of what Q's lips were like. The way Q had looked at him sometimes made it feel as though his legs were going to give out or like his heart was going to fall out of his chest. He had built up a fantastical world in his mind's imagination of just living out a life beyond high school with Q never leaving his side. 

He internalized each thought, never once exposing them to the outside world. Instead, he stood aside and watched his crush swoon woman after woman with his effortless charm. It made his heart ache to watch girls do everything he wanted to with Q. It made his soul cry to have to sit there and fake a smile as Q rambles on about his sexual and intimate encounters with whoever he was seeing. It was all agony, but he didn't want to scare Q away. He feared that if he exposed all he had inside, if he offered a piece of himself that was so sacred to the boy he loved, he would be rejected and seen as nothing but a deviant to Q or worse, lose one of the closest friends he had that truly understood him. 

The seemingly endless branches of timelines, scenarios, and possibilities made Sal feel sick to his stomach. He could never pin down a precise idea of how things could potentially play out if he were to go through with confessing all he had bouncing around his mind. It all made him so severely anxious and it was a mental battle that he had to front alone, but the pain only made him desire a happy ending more. But for now, he remained dormant and waited for a sign from someone or something bigger than him to give him a green light that everything would be okay. 

"Well Sal, lucky for us, there's some liquor at home I can bring for us to enjoy tonight as a celebration for our biggest accomplishment yet!" Q is ecstatic and practically bouncing off the walls with the energy he's been saving through the whole ceremony. 

For Sal's counterpart, hidden within the folds and coils of his brain, Q had a secret that cut deeper than words ever could just as Sal had. It was an abstract idea, a mere amalgamation of hues he could never quite make out nor could he articulate. Filed away and overlapping the center that held his love and lust was where it stood and loomed over that department like a storm cloud. He would never admit it, but this uncharted misinterpreted area of his mind scared him more than anything. Another thing he could never admit: he knew vaguely what that cloud was and why it was there, but he just couldn't be bothered to organize and figure out what he truly felt and who he was. He just let it be and watched as it slowly consumed and ate at his soul. Societal pressures of how love is displayed weighed down on him like a ton of bricks, it made his chest feel like it was gonna concave and corrode at any moment, it made his head spiral down like a plane crashing back to the earth's surface. 

No one made him happy quite like Sal did, and he wasn't afraid to say that much. What he was afraid of was saying exactly why and how Sal made him happy. He trembled at the thought of taking things beyond a boundary of which he could never return from, something that could permanently damage him and the relationship he had with Sal, leaving an ever lasting wound that everyone could clearly see and ridicule. He stood at the edge of the pool of the unknown with his toes dangling off the edge, but he knew if he were to jump in, he would merely drown and watch as the bubbles of his silent screams retreat to the surface where no sound would be emitted, just a faint and fast disappearance of the man he once was. 

He continued to chock it all up and push the narrative to seem like an adoration for his dear friend and nothing more as he continued walking in blissful ignorance. And when any intrusive thought or urge were to float to the surface of his subconscious, he would merely wash the thought out with playboy magazines or a quick hookup session with a girl he had a "friends with benefits" dynamic with. It was enough to satisfy him, but it always came back to Sal at the end of the day. He was the one who could never leave his thoughts, his ideas, his fantasies. But that's all they remained to be: fantasies. 

The boys bid each other farewell for the evening, promising each other to hang out over the course of the summer before retreating off to their select colleges. Sal and Q leave together to hang out and get wasted for the night, excited to just have a night in together and not have to worry about school assignments or waking up early. They hop into Sal's car and strip themselves of their itchy graduation gowns leaving them in their formal wear that was hidden underneath. 

"I still can't believe high school is over. Just like that." Sal says over the music that played over the car radio. Eyes fixated on the road but at the end of the sentence, he passes a quick glance over to the boy seated in the passenger seat with a light smile. 

"I can't either. I feel like we're still supposed to be sophomores or something with the way we behave. I have you and the boys to thank for managing to actually graduate, without you guys I would have definitely failed." Q laughed in the passenger seat, leaning up against the window and taking a peek outside knowing soon this view would be but a memory once he's off to college.

They continued jabbering away and recalling all of their best and worst moments until they pulled up to Q's place. He swiftly exits the car and disappears into the house, leaving Sal alone with his thoughts and music playing. Something in his gut felt weird, he felt as though something was gonna happen tonight and he knew the alcohol would be to blame. The only thing about this inkling he had was he wasn't sure if it would be good or bad for him and Q. Being so close to not seeing each other for a while, he was scared to leave on a bad note or have something linger in the air that would suffocate their relationship. 

Q leaves his house and sees Sal in the drivers seat off in space with a look of mild terror in his eyes. He hops back into the car and it shakes Sal right back to reality. 

"Dude you okay? You looked like you saw a ghost." Q says with genuine concern. Sal looks Q in his eyes and feels a spark of electricity shoot down the middle of his spine and he feels himself get red hot. 

"Sorry, just having a mini existential crisis. Thinking about the future and whatnot." Sal quickly brushes it off and Q runs with it. They pull out of the driveway and road along to Sal's house with nothing but music to fill the silence.

They arrive to Sal's house and it's eerily quiet in comparison to how Q typically remembers it being when there was members of Sal's family bustling to and fro throughout the house. They sneak up into his room and their typical antics begin, but this time with the fun of alcohol burning in their system slowly breaking down the filters and disintegrating all rational thoughts and actions. 

May 23rd, 1994 11:32 p.m. 

Drunk beyond belief, the two boys had diluted themselves into utter nonsense. They both knew full well the other didn't seem to be making any comprehensible sense whatsoever, but they found a way to translate it in their heads so it all made sense. It was like their own secret language they created that only they could understand. 

"And I fell off the stage in the middle of rehearsal!" Sal was rolling on the floor without a care at the tales that Q told of drama club and all of his other comedic misfortunes. Tears streamed down his face as the on-slaughter of humor never stopped and Q couldn't help but laugh along and smile at the sight of Sal losing his mind. "Y-you know Sal, you're really cute when you laugh. It's always been my favorite thing" Q slurs out the compliment to the boy on the floor next to him. Sal could feel his heart flutter and looked up to the boy smiling down at him. 

"Pshhh, no! Q, you're the cute one. You're the most attractive male I ever met. Honestly, I get a little jealous of the girls you pick up sometimes." Sal nudges up against Q affectionately and feels himself slowly beginning to pour out all of his emotions without hesitating, all the walls he internally raised were starting to crumble before him and all he did was sit back and watch it all unfold. Q's mind was hazy and he couldn't quite process it all, but he could process enough to move things along.

"Jealous Sal? As in you want the girls I get?" Q asked the utterly ridiculous question. He knew what Sal said, but wanted confirmation on whether or not he was implying exactly what he thought he was. 

"Jealous as in I want you Q." It just came out and there were no taking back words. Sal sat up and covered his mouth in shocking horror of what he just told his best friend. They stare at each other in complete silence not sure how to handle the delicate information. Sal wasn't sure if he should run, hide, or wait for Q to say something. 

Q looks Sal in his eyes and sees him go through the five stages of grief in a matter of moments, glances down to the hand covering Sal's mouth, and back up to Sal's eyes. He grabs Sal's wrist and moves it away to expose his lips. 

"What if..." Q stares at them for a moment and mumbles out. Sal tenses up under his delicate touch and never broke eye contact as Q inches closer and closer, with each inch he feels his heart raise rise. He felt as though his words had flipped a switch in Q and there was no turning back, he had gone past the point of no return and accepted what fate has bestowed to him. 

Eventually they both had their eyes closed and lips pressed together and Sal felt a tingling sensation in his stomach that made him melt. Q felt it too, but he couldn't tell if he was sick or if he actually liked it, but he pressed forward anyways, basking in the sensation of which he had never before experienced with any girl he had been with. When they pulled apart, Sal was shell shocked and at a loss for words, Q was ready to give it all up and go wild for Sal tonight with the help of his intoxicated state. 

"Tell me Sal, exactly how much of me do you want?"


	2. BITE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Kiss me on the mouth and set me free  
> Sing me like a choir  
> I can be the subject of your dreams  
> Your sickening desire”
> 
> “BITE” Troye Sivan

May 23rd, 1994 11:46 p.m. 

Sal stopped all his movements as he looks into Q's eyes and feels his hot panting breath on his face. Everything felt like a haze to him in this moment, drunk on love and just drunk period. His lips part slightly but no words escape as he mentally bites his tongue, unsure of what his next move should be or if this is even a good idea. 

Q grows impatient and grabs Sal's hips and slides him on his lap. Sal now flustered and straddling Q still remains quiet, covering his mouth to shield the moan that threatened to escape. Sal wasn't scared to admit that seeing Q become so dominating over him in a single swift motion turned him on. It turned him on more than his filthy imagination and way more than any dirty magazine could. 

"Let me ask again: how much of me do you want Sal? Don't be shy." Q repeats the question again in a calm intimidating tone that made Sal feel as though he was gonna melt. He moves Sal's hand away from his mouth and stares into his eyes expecting an answer. Sal's heart feels like a jackhammer in his chest and he knew there was no way of escaping the lustful prison he found himself in. 

"I... I want all of you Q, it's all i've ever wanted." It all came flowing out to no avail and Sal couldn't be bothered to stop what was already in motion, he hungered to admire the bare bones of Q and all he had to offer tonight. 

"Is that so, Sally boy?" Q licked his lips and his voice felt like velvet in Sal's ears and his hands felt like he was being held like a piece of valuable art: delicately but with a sense of domineering protection. His senses were pulsing in overwhelming shockwaves as Q began to unbutton the shirt Sal had adorned. Sal watched with trained eyes and his breath hitched with each button Q had managed to loosen up in his terribly drunken state, he could feel the heat building and blood rushing to sinful places. "There's no telling you how often i've fantasized about this, you're what's been plaguing my thoughts late at night. You're the one taking up so much space in my head I can't think straight anymore." As Sal shakes away the shirt, Q leans in to plant kisses all along his jaw line and neck, taking some of the delicate flesh between his teeth and nibbling. 

Sal's back arches at the sensation and moves his body in closer as he tries to remove Q's shirt. Sal's hips shift slightly and he feels exactly how tight his pants have gotten in the few steamy minutes of activity they've endured. In the same motion, he accidentally grinds a little against Q's own hard on and he buries his face in the crook of Sal's neck to let out a deep groan. Sal feels Q's voice vibrating against his skin and his cold finger tips along the hem of his pants as they go to find the buckle of his belt and release him from the tight confines of his pants leaving him in nothing but his boxers. Sal follows in suit and fiddles with the other's belt and Q watches with a hunger in his eyes, but Sal quickly stops and has a moment of define judgement as he quickly analyzes the situation for a sober second. 

"Brian..." Q jolts at the sudden use of his actual name as his eyes trail up his arms up to his hazel eyes that could pierce through his soul. "Are you sure about this? Do you want this?" Q felt himself go stone cold sober for a moment as the words that were spoken crawl into the cracks of his spine. No one had ever really asked him what he wanted before or if he was sure. His hands grip at bare hips and his lower lip finds itself between his teeth as he tries to untangle the spider web of emotions he's caught himself in. As he stares into eternity, his salacious mind slowly overtook all rational thought and he smirked with darkened dominating eyes. 

"Nothing would bring me more pleasure than just to have you tonight. But I can only continue if you let me." He sounded so convincing and spoke with a sense of authority. But in the closed off and blocked out sober crevices of his mind, Q wasn't one hundred percent sure of himself. His body felt like an inferno and wanted nothing more than the heated embrace of the young man that sat before him, but his mind was a silent scream of his internal instinct to run away from things that he couldn't make any sense of. His emotions drowned that all away and gave him a green light to continue the decision he would lament over come the next morning. 

Sal tried to pick apart and dissect everything that was confessed to him, but he couldn't see any discrepancies or falters in his words, and he believed him as he laid in the eye of the storm he found himself in. Their lips reconnected with feverish intent, Sal could taste the alcohol on Q's lips and he could feel himself getting drunker off of the lingering flavor of it. 

"How far are you willing to go for me lover boy?" Q lays Sal on his back and hovers above him with hands planted on either side of his head to hold him steady as he looks to the needy submissive underneath him. 

"All the way." Sal looks up to the figure that was above him, the room dimly lit with the moon illuminating him to create a faint white silhouette around him. His features seemed accentuated and every detail that he adored transformed into features that made him fall weak to him, he seemed like he was phoenix rising from the ashes. This was a side of Q that Sal had never imagined he would ever witness first hand, and he wished tonight would never end. 

Q takes his knee and begins to rub it against Sal's aching hard on as he watches his eyes close shut and his mouth open wide to let soft moans out to fill the silence of the room. Q quickly goes to slowly remove Sal's boxers and watches as his cock springs up and escaped from the cotton prison. He admires the raw beauty of the man beneath him before taking his right hand and brings his ring and middle finger to the valley of Sal's lips. 

"Coat them nice and good for me." He says in a husky voice. Sal's lips part and he willingly takes his fingers into his mouth, swirling his tongue around the digits and slowly puling his head back to release them from the warm confines of his mouth. "This might feel a little uncomfortable, just let me know and i'll stop." Q trails his hand down to Sal's hole and slowly allows a finger to slip into him. 

Sal wasn't new to the sensation, but the thick girth of Q's fingers made all the difference in making it feel like a whole new experience. Q pumped his finger slowly in and out and felt as Sal began to ease up around him, then added another finger. Sal was a mumbling mess under him, nothing but incoherent noises with words spoken few and far between as his hands held onto Q's shoulders. 

"Brian, please. I need more. I'm ready." Q smiled and removed his fingers. He stumbles to his feet, standing tall before Sal and he allows his pants to drop. Sal could have died right there at the sight of the man towering above him, watching as the final layer of clothing was shed off of his body. Sal swallowed thickly as he stared at the impressive size of Q's hard on, he felt his own cock twitch at the sight knowing he'll be feeling it in the morning.

"You see what you do to me? How hard and hot you make me? I hope your ready, because I know I am." Q utters out in a gravelly whispered voice. He meets Sal back down on the floor and gives himself a few quick pumps of pleasure before lining himself up with Sal's entrance. Slowly Q sinks deep into Sal and watches as inch by inch he disappears into the man he's grown to secretly love. Sal gasps at the sensation as Q's cock fills him in the most delicious way. They lay there for a moment, barely moving with bodies connected as Sal adjusts to the girth of Q's cock. 

"You can start moving Bri." Q begins to slowly move his hips and Sal feels as though he's flying on cloud nine. He bites down on his knuckle in attempts to muffle all the moans he wanted so badly to release but Q is quick to shift away his hand and pin them above his head. 

"Don't hold back darling, release all those filthy sounds for me." His thrusts quicken in pace, hitting all the right spots in Sal to the point where he stops holding back and his mouth falls open to let out all the gasps and groans that Q relishes in. Q lowers his body down so that the two begin to intertwine their bodies. Sal has his hands on Q's back holding him in closer, legs wrapped around his waist physically begging for more, and his head trapped in the crux of Q's neck as he panted and moaned. Q relished in the warm body wrapped around him, the heat of it all slowly melting down the iron walls he had cling wrapped around the soft parts of his soul. 

It was in this moment where the slew of hues trapped in his head slowly began to sharpen and form the blatantly obvious answer he chose to ignore for so long. In his drunken state he figured it all out: he knew no other could satisfy this sick desire for love, he wanted Sal and only Sal.

He felt Sal's hard cock rub against his stomach with each movement he made and he decided to give the needy boy some extra attention, wrapping his cock in a tight fist and pumping at the same pace as his hips thrusted. Sal holds Q in closer in tighter at the overwhelming sensation of being jerked off and fucked at the same time, feeling his climax building in his core like a rubber band stretched too thin and on the verge of snapping. 

"Brian. I'm so close. Fuck." Nothing tonight could ever get Q off faster than hearing the submissive begging and pleading for his release and moaning out his name, his real name. His hips thrust harder and hit a bundle of nerves hidden within Sal that made him scream out and burst all over his abdomen harder than he ever had. Q stared at Sal and watched the pure bliss of orgasm take over the other man's system, the way his eyes were half lidded staring off into a universe beyond, the way his mouth let out heavy gusts of breath, he felt the way all his limbs wrapped around his body and braced itself for his release. 

"Sal. I'm gonna—" He couldn't even finish his statement, he smashed his lips against Sal's needing to feel more of the sensations that drove him to insane bliss. 

"Cum in me Bri, do it." Sal moaned against his lips before taking his hands to press their faces together closer. The statement that Sal made was enough to push Q over the edge, his mouth was wide open as he buried himself balls deep into Sal and came deep in him. 

The two are left laying on the hardwood floor breathless and bathing in the after glow of their passion. Q stares at the ceiling and feels as his eyes grow heavy closing them just for a moment, listening to each detail of Sal's soft breathing that threatens to lull him off to sleep until he hears the floorboard creak a bit at Sal's movements. 

"Come on, let's get cleaned up and in bed. I don't want you to sleep on the floor, it's not good for your back." Sal helps Q up and cleans himself and the other boy off. Q stumbles back into only his boxers, too lazy to try and get any other clothing back on and slips into the sheets of Sal's bed. The moment his head hits the pillow and his eyes close, he was off in a deep slumber. 

Sal stares at the sleeping boy in his bed and can't help but grow more mentally torn as to what Q's true intentions were. Everything felt so right physically, but mentally he wasn't sure if this was authentically Q or if it was a scene played up by the alcohol. He decided that this would be a discussion for them over breakfast and not something to keep him awake any longer. He climbs into bed next to Q, staring at him for a moment before scooting in closer to the warm body. In his sleep, Q wraps his arms around Sal and holds him close and Sal feels his heart skip a beat at the embrace. 

"Good night, Brian Quinn." He plants a tender kiss on the bottom of his chin, not wanting to move too much and disturb his rest. It was here where Sal fell asleep, comforted by the one he wanted to spend every waking moment with. 

May 24th, 1994 5:28 a.m.

The sun breaks through the gap in the curtains, faintly lighting the ever still room. Q stirs awake and takes a deep breath in, but his nostrils fill with the dangerous scent of Sal in his arms and stale liquor, it was enough to spur him awake faster than a shot of caffeine. When he opens his eyes and blinks a couple of times, he looks down in his arms to see Sal nuzzled up against his chest sleeping. The pounding in his head is a lot more noticeable now along with the pounding in his chest of his heart going haywire, and even though he's laying down, it feels as though the room is spinning and it's starting to make him nauseous. 

He carefully slides himself away from Sal, unravelling his arms and moving in increments as to not wake the sleeping boy. Once he's freed, he swings his legs off the bed and tip toes quickly to the bathroom with a hand covering his mouth not wanting to barf all over the floor. He drops to his knees in front of the toilet and proceeds to vomit. The sins from the previous night are swept down the drain and he leans his aching head against the toilet bowl praying that the pulsing would end. It was a combination of a retched hangover and the overbearing rush of thoughts and questions as to what happened last night that tied his weak stomach into a tight knot. 

When he replayed the events of last night in his head, there were blank spots in between major events. As much as he could remember was talking to Sal, then there was a blank spot, being mere inches from his face, blank spot, Sal straddling him, blank spot, Sal beneath him whining in the filthiest way, blank spot, and them he was awake cuddling Sal in bed. He doesn't remember crawling into bed, he doesn't remember Sal crawling in with him, he felt as though he was missing the most important pieces that could answer the frivolous questions he has. 

As he looks through the bathroom door into the still room where Sal resides, Q couldn't help but feel a sense of crippling anxiety building up and it made his hang over feel ten thousand times worse. It felt like his eyes are gonna roll out of his skull, his stomach was gonna burn itself away, and his head feel like it was gonna explode. He knew Sal would have questions too and that this would turn into a big turning point in their relationship, and he wasn't mentally there enough to brave that situation. 

"I need to get out of here." He says quietly to himself as he finally pulls away from the toilet, feeling safe enough to move around again without wanting to spill. He dresses himself with all the clothes that were strewn about Sal's room, each movement feather light to not alert and wake the other up. Before he finally escaped the grasps of something he wasn't yet ready to face and handle, he stood in the doorway and looked over once more to Sal. With eyes full of sorrow and a heart that could sink to the bottom of the ocean, he uttered out one last thing: "I'm sorry Sal. I'm just not ready for this."

He leaves without a trace, walking into the streets that were lit only by the faint rays of the rising sun and the yellow hued street lamps. As he looked up to the sky he took in all the details that would soon attach themselves to this memory, the memory that would be etched in his soul. The clouds were fluffy and scattered in the atmosphere glowing a cool grey color, the sky itself was a deep lilac color that faded up into a sapphire blue. The streets felt even more quiet than Sal's room, the wind was deathly still, no cars were out populating the roads, and it seemed as though all the animals in the area were still at rest. This left Q with his sinking thoughts and his hangover as he walked along the pavement.

As he tried to think back on the night before, attempting to unlock memories he knew were tucked away somewhere, it only made his head hurt more trying to force the memories back. He closed his eyes and held the temple of his head in his sweaty palm. He then trailed off in his head through the series of still frame images he has of last night, until it all leads back to the one vivid epiphany, the one bold thought from the night before that stuck out like a tulip among daisies: the realization that he desired Sal like no other. Now being sober, he asked himself if he still felt that way about his best friend. 

"Salvatore Vulcano, what the hell are you doing to me?"


	3. FOOLS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “And my hopes, they are high, I must keep them small  
> Though I try to resist I still want it all.”
> 
> “FOOLS” Troye Sivan

May 24th, 1994 8:13 a.m. 

The sun beams glow through the window illuminating the still room. Birds chirp outside and stirs a sleeping Sal. He takes a deep breath in as his sleepy state begins to wear away and his senses cone to life. When he breathes in, all he can smell is the lingering stench of alcohol from last night and the musky scent of Q embedded in his sheets. It felt colder in the bed and not as warm as he remembered it being last night when he was wrapped in Q's arms. When he opens his eyes all he sees the empty sheets bundled up next to where Q was resting the night before. 

The night before... What even happened last night? Sal sat up in bed and felt his head rush at the sudden motion. His eyes synch closed and he holds his head in one of his hands as the throbbing pain of a hangover began to creep into his skull as well as the regrets of drinking as much as he did. While it was bad, he's had worse hangovers in his time, nothing that some Ibuprofen or Tylenol couldn't fix. As he walked to the bathroom to the medicine cabinet, the memories of the previous night began to trickle back to his head very vividly. 

The movie plays in his head of Q kissing him roughly, holding him close to his body, hovering above him, dominating him, everything. Sal's eyes go wide in shock at his own set of memories because it all had felt too good to be true. If his memories were to be true, Q's sudden absence this morning would tie everything together to make more sense than it would with any other context. Q isn't one to just up and leave Sal's house for no reason without giving him prior knowledge or waking him up to say good bye. Sal drew mental conclusions and pieced together that he wasn't the only one to remember their intoxicated and quite passionate moment together. 

But why did he run? Sal knew the obvious simple answer to this question: he wasn't ready to face the truth or the reality of what happened and shamefully walked out. But what he couldn't seem to pick apart and digest was the deeper meaning and reason. It's not surprising to Sal that Q felt lost in the mix of his emotions, it's not something easy to sort out especially after putting on a huge front of being a charmer to the ladies. Q couldn't even be bothered to sort things out in the morning like he thought he would've, and that's the part that bothered Sal the most. He wanted clarity and gratification to their night together, he wanted to understand for once what was going on in Q's head and what exactly it all meant. Q was so abstract that he often felt more like a thought than an idea and it was frustrating trying to understand him and why he does what he does. Was it all really the alcohol talking or was this his deep dark desire that surfaced?

Sal popped a pill into his mouth and swallowed hard and felt as it travelled down his esophagus and he prayed in his head that it would kick in soon and soothe the ache in his head. He closes the medicine cabinet to be met with his reflection, he knew it was him, he knew who he was, and he was okay with it. Sal was comfortable in his skin, with the face that stared back at him, and his identity in every sense of the word. 

"But can you look in the mirror and say the same, Quinn?" He thinks to himself as he stares into the mirror. He shakes his head, eyes dropping down to the sink as he continues to clean himself up. "Maybe I should call him, see if he's okay." It was a mere excuse to call the other boy, he knew what his true intentions were with this call and he wanted answers to help solve the mystery of them. 

Sal goes to the phone and dials in the number he's long memorized and sat silently with the phone pressed up against his ear. The ringing echoed as he waits for his friend to pick up. 

On the receiving end of the line, Q was sat in bed at home with his eyes closed trying hard not to concentrate on the pounding in his head that lingered. He tried crawling back into bed and sleeping, but something kept him from the peace he sought. His overactive mind kept racing and showed no signs of stopping. His phone rings and the sound bounces off the walls of his room and the walls of his skull. He leans over and answers it. 

"Hello?" His voice was hushed and gruff. 

"Oh shit sorry Q did I wake you." He felt his stomach plummet to the earth's core and his spine tense up at the sound of Sal's voice and his eyes shot open and stared blankly to the ceiling. 

"No it's fine, just trying to ease this terrible hangover." He forces a chuckle and feels as his palms begin to sweat. He thinks to himself that everything will be fine so long as the one question he's scared of doesn't get asked. 

"Me too... Hey I have a quick question, two actually..." Q's eyes screw shut again. "Do you remember what happened last night?" There it was, the one question Q wasn't ready to face, the one he wanted so desperately to avoid, the question he hoped Sal wouldn't have asked. His jaw clenches tight and he feels his heart rate run wild. 

"Sort of? But not really, it's all extremely fuzzy." What he said wasn't technically a lie which made him feel less guilty. There honestly were holes in his memory but, he wasn't about to foolishly and blindly confess what he did remember. "Do you remember what happened last night?" He asks the question to really conceal the honest fact that he knew, and also to see if Sal would say anything about it. He knew Sal remembered everything, why else would he have called to ask this question? It was Sal's turn in the hot seat to see if he was honest or just as dishonest as Q. 

Sal felt conflicted once the question was bounced right back to him. Does he tell Q about everything and risk scaring him away, or does he play dumb and have them both live in blissful ignorance to their feelings. He craves so badly to finally free the caged dove in is heart and to be true to someone he has grown so close to, but he knows that professing these deep desires will only drive him away. 

"I wish I did. That's why I called was to see if you remembered anything! I think we drank way too much last night for our own good." Sal laughs lightly but knows he's only playing himself for a fool. "Why'd you disappear so fast? We could be suffering together you know like real friends." 

"I disappeared this morning because I woke up and I was so sick. I know how you feel about me vomiting so I just went home to spare you from the torture." A believable lie, and Sal chose to believe it. Q honestly did sound rough as his voice fed into Sal's ear so he chose to believe him. 

"Gross, okay. Well I just wanted to see where you were and to make sure you were still alive after disappearing on me like that. Hope your hangover gets better man." They bid each other farewell and both boys are left to sink into their sins and preying thoughts that will plague them in the extended silence that was to come. 

August 15th, 1994 1:53 p.m. 

Summer had quickly passed by and the time had come for all the friends to part their ways and head out to their new dorms and lives at their selected colleges. 

Sal wasn't ready to say good bye to them, he especially wasn't ready to say good bye to Q. Summer had been painful for him as he watched the relationship with Q begin to fizzle out like a match stick that had been left to burn for too long. Anytime they would go out, it was either Sal was there and Q wasn't or the reverse in which Q was out and Sal wasn't. Every time he would try and call Q, his parents or his brothers would say he was busy and he would call back later, he never did follow through leaving Sal waiting next to the phone hoping for the silence to stop. It felt like a growing and looming cloud that stormed his heart. The reality of Q actively avoiding him made his intentions clear, but it doesn't make the love he had for the boy dwindle away. He still wanted so badly for all his fantasies to become a reality, for Q to call Sal his. 

Q hated the summer as well, all his energy was spent pushing everything down and away and trying to hide what he despised about himself. No matter how much he tried to avoid Sal and no matter how much he tried to distract himself, the thoughts and ideas of the other would endlessly bounce in his head. Sal had taken up majority of his thoughts now. Every moment of every day he wondered what Sal thought about him, what Sal was doing, if he hated him, if he wanted to feel what they felt that night again, if he felt as though this was all torture. But as summer came to a close, he saw what he thought to be a light at the end of the tunnel. All his worries would soon be behind him both literally and metaphorically, he would finally escape away to college and be free of the never ending peril and fear of running into Sal and having to open pandora's box back up. 

They all stood around in a circle in the middle of the empty school parking lot, each with their individual cars packed up and loaded with all their belongings. They chattered away talking about their summers and how they wish they could've done more with the limited precious time. Joe was the first to disappear off into the afternoon sun, making his rounds giving everyone hugs and well wishes before taking off. Murr could feel the tension between the two others with him and decided to quickly peel off as well. 

This left the two awkwardly alone in the lot to watch as Murr's car made the bend and vanished from their line of sight. They don't meet eyes, they hadn't looked at the other all day and barely said a word to the other. Tensions were high and Q could feel his fight or flight kick in and all he wanted to do was run. 

"Well, I guess this is good bye for now ain't it Sal." Q rubs the back of his neck and his fingers tap against his thigh. 

"I guess so, huh?" Sal wanted so desperately to say something. He felt the words crowding in the back of his throat and the emotions welling. Three months of nothing but pining and aching and waiting for everything to suddenly fall into place and make some sort of sense and bring him satisfaction. But once more, he bites his tongue and sucks it up. Maybe this is what they need, maybe it's what Q needs especially, time and space. 

And when Q finally looked Sal in the eyes after three months, he felt his whole inner core shatter like a mirror. fragments of himself he so desperately built up into a false image and narrative came glittering down leaving him as an empty frame of what he once was. For so long he had felt so sure of himself that he knew what he wanted, and now that he got a taste of the bittersweet nectar of desire, it was all he craved. That was something he wasn't prepared to endure, so in his mind he frantically tried to pick the pieces back up willfully ignoring that it was virtually impossible to undo what had been done. 

Sal pulls him close for a final hug and Q felt the all too familiar shockwave shoot through his nerves at his touch. Without anymore hesitation he returns the gentle gesture. 

"I hope you find yourself out the Brian..." Sal whispered softly into his ear with his eyes slowly beginning to fog up with tears. Q didn't say anything back, just held him in closer and tighter and wished for the same inside. 

They finally pull away and hop into their cars. Sal sat in his as he watched in agony as Q's car disappeared just as his other friends had. He felt disappointed in himself. Played for a fool yet again because his heart was too big for his body to handle and over shadowed all that his brain was trying to tell him. 

"Maybe one day i'll be able to ask you if you felt what I did that night..."


	4. EASE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “And I've been trying to hide it  
> But lately  
> Every time I think I'm better  
> Pickin' my head up, getting nowhere”
> 
> “EASE” Troye Sivan
> 
> WARNING: use of homophobic language

February 12th, 1995 10:13 p.m. 

The room erupted with roaring laughter and Q smiled in the ring of people with a can of beer in hand and his arm wrapped around the shoulders of Suzy, the girl he had been talking to that was in his math class. He knew at the rate he was drinking, he was going to have a nasty hangover in the morning, but the fun he was having masked that idea so he no longer cared about the consequences. He continued to chip in to the conversation and steal occasional kisses from the girl he admired. 

When he first moved away, he felt as though he was finally free and detached from all that had held him back when he lived at home. He started fresh, not knowing a single face that passed him in the halls of the dorms and it was exhilarating. No one knew of his past sins, no one knew his dirty little secrets, no one knew about his mistakes and missteps, no one knew who he was. A new improved version of Brian Quinn roamed the campus grounds. He built up a brand new reputation that over shadowed all his insecurities and built himself up like a skyscraper. He was proud of his brand new reputation and he felt like for once he fit with the "in" crowd, the place he wanted so badly to belong to. 

His mom had taken notice of this new attitude he was sporting whenever he visited home for major holidays and family gatherings. She had grown concerned because every time he came home, she seemed to recognize her baby less and less. He seemed like a shell of the person he once was, the only thing that filled that empty space inside was a built up false narrative tailored to cater to his peers. His happiness seemed artificial, like it was all an act he put on to cover up whatever was going on inside. Authenticity wasn't a word she could use to describe him at all, and it made her scared. Every time she tried to bring up her worry about him, he would put up this wall and front that he was fine and dodge the issue completely. It disheartened her, but she couldn't control him and could only hope that he found his way back to himself. 

Hidden in the corners of his mind, Q never really let go of himself. He had merely placed the real person he was on the back-burner, kept him on the sidelines because he figured that no one would like that version of himself. No longer would he be seen as the comic book loving quiet geek that was meek. No, out in public and around friends, he was the life of the party, loud and outgoing, a lady killer, the image of masculine perfection. But when all was said and done and he was left all alone in the quiet of his dorm, he couldn't help but let the facade go. When he closed his eyes he could only see the familiar face that his mind always wandered back to when he was lonely at night. 

"Sal..." He'd say quietly to himself. He hadn't talked to him since moving, his final words to him clung like gum on the bottom of your shoe. He always wondered how he was doing, what he was up to, and worst of all: who was loving him now. 

"Hey Q! C'mon man, you there?" Q shakes his head back to reality and looked around to the blur of people around him, and he faked a smile. "I bet you he was thinking about that sweet piece of ass he was talking to the other day, huh?" The group of friends roar with laughter. Q chuckles nervously and rub his sweaty palms on his pants. 

"Shut up Bradley." Q shoots back with a smirk on his face as he holds up his can to take another quick sip to avoid the conversation going further. "Besides the only fine lady i'm thinking about is lovely Suzy right here in my arms." He looks over to Suzy who's cheeks went red. She was cuddled up against him and felt as her shoulders bounced with laughter. 

"Suzy! Speaking of other pieces of ass: you know that guy you were talking to the other month, the one before you got Quinn over here in a frenzy? What's his name..? Scottie! That's his name right? The tall lanky dude. Heard he's batting for the other team now that you broke his little heart." Everyone laughs, but Q chuckles nervously as an image of Sal flashes behind his eyes. 

"Imagine breaking a guy's heart so bad he gives up on women entirely like it's just a switch you turn on and off." They keep berating this guy with comment after comment and everyone just laughs and plays along. Q was terribly uncomfortable, this all felt so wrong. But then again, he felt wrong about himself, maybe they were right. He was conflicted on the inside and just sat quietly as the slander continued. 

"That's just wrong, his dad must be disappointed to have a sissy for a son."

"I don't get it, how can you even switch from pussy to dick that fast. Must have given him whiplash being that confused!"

"pathetic faggot taking it up the ass now to feel something."

Q felt as he sunk deep into himself, wanting nothing more than just to disappear and erase this memory from being ingrained in his head. He felt so vulnerable and bare even though it wasn't him they were talking about. He felt stripped of his pride and as though the mask was torn away from his face to reveal the monster, the wolf in sheep's clothing that he truly was. He felt as though all eyes were on him, seeing through his veil and eating him alive until he was nothing but bone marrow and maggot food left to sink into the flesh of the earth. He grips his now empty beer can to stop himself from shaking, he clenches his jaw so hard he feared his teeth may shatter from the pressure. Words didn't make sense to him as he filtered them all out, only a few would fall through but it was all the ones he was trying to ignore. 

"Freak... Faggot... Confused... Gross..." Swirled around in his head like a hurricane. His eyes dart around the room looking for anywhere to look but at any of the faces that occupied the room. He looks to a clock to see if he could find some kind of excuse to escape the terror he's witnessing. 

February 12th, 1995 10:49 p.m. 

It read in green neon numbers. He looks around to everyone as their laughter dies down and finally opens his mouth to put a stop to the suffering. 

"It's getting late, and if I wanna be able to get rid of this hangover which I know i'm gonna have before class tomorrow, I should leave." He looks to Suzy who was looking up to him with sweet green eyes. "And I will be sure to walk this lovely lady back to her dorm if she wants." She smiles and they both get up and make their leave. 

"Yeah Quinn, 'to get rid of your hangover.' Great code for other things." The boys hoot and holler and he rolls his eyes and makes a swift exit with Suzy in tow. As soon as he steps out of the dorm, he takes a deep breath of the air that reeks of stress and stale parties. But to him, it smelt like relief. 

The pair walk through the barren halls and hear snippets of commotion as they pass by select doors, giggling at the random conversations they hear. They finally reach her dorm room and stood there quietly before Q leaned in to lock lips with her. They stepped into her room and closed the door, but she pushed him off and sat him on the bed. He looks up to Suzy confused and saw as her body language spoke that something had gone awry at some point. 

"W-why'd you stop? Did I do something wrong?" Q asks. 

"Listen Brian, I think we need to talk. I didn't want to make a scene over at Bradley's and I certainly don't want your business being out in the halls." She sits down next to Q and places a careful hand on his knee. "Why do you only want to hook up with me when you're not sober?" Q paused for a moment. Just as soon as he thought he had gotten control of his wild nerves, they began to fire up again in the form of anxiety that felt like his stomach was twisted like a balloon animal. 

You can never outrun your problems. And Q's particular problems are finally all catching up to him in the most dreadful way: they're finding him all at once and swarming him like vultures in the desert. Suzy was his last chance at trying to break whatever spell Sal has casted over him, but he could never show her the love he wants to sober. He would always drink until he could forget about Sal or until her face became faded enough for him to mentally replace it with Sal's. Suzy was a lovely girl, he really did have feelings for her, but his heart just wasn't in the right place to make that spark ignite. 

Sal still had a hold of his heart and was a permanent fixture in it. He wanted so badly to just run back to him, but he restrained and refrained from it. Any thoughts of deviating from the normal, not having a girlfriend, not wanting a wife, not wanting kids, it all made him feel as though he was wrong in every sense of the word. Nothing more than all the string of demeaning labels that he had heard earlier being spouted by his peers. A freak. Disgusting. Confused. 

Confused was the perfect descriptor. The uncertainty of himself was what really made him come crashing down. 

"I... I don't... I don't know really..." He stares to the floor with wide eyes as his heart race quickens. 

"I think I know, and please tell me if i'm wrong or over stepping here. Brian, I have this feeling that you have a thing for someone else. I don't know who, and it's none of my business. My next question is: why do you keep running from yourself and lying to yourself? I can see in your body language how you react to the dumb shit the other guys say, and I know this isn't you." In a few short sentences, she had managed to strip away everything Q fought so hard to build up. Q felt as though he was holding his breath, how do you respond to questions when someone dissected you in mere seconds. 

"I'm afraid." Was all he said. And for once, in the few months since he disappeared to college, he was honest with what was going on in his head. Suzy glides her hand gently across his cheek and looks to him with sorrow and pity in her eyes. 

"Brian, it's scary to be honest and real. But nothing is scarier than lying to yourself and becoming something you're not. Don't destroy yourself like this." Compassion. Empathy. Care. It had been a while since he accepted words of such nature take root in his heart. "Who are you Brian Quinn? Who are you hiding inside?" It's the question he had been asking himself for so long. 

"I don't know. I think I lost myself trying to protect myself from everything i'm scared of." He answered honestly again. Suzy sighs and shakes her head. 

"I think you should go to your dorm and sober up. I hope in the morning you can reflect on what i'm telling you and make the right decisions for yourself." She takes him by the hand and guides him back to her front door. They stood in the doorway and she gave him a final peck on the cheek and said something that made the hairs on his neck stand on end:

"I hope you find yourself out there Brian." 

He walked back to his dorm and collapsed onto his bed. The last thing Suzy told him bouncing about the walls of his skull until it was slowly replaced with Sal's voice, Sal's face, Sal's eyes filled with melancholy, just Sal. 

It was then in the quiet loneliness of his thoughts that he wanted nothing more than to just be home. He wanted nothing but the nostalgic feeling of rolling around his neighborhood streets, to run around in the forest with Joe's ninja weapon collection, to roam the mall with Murr and stop in the arcade for a few hours, to see his friends, his REAL friends. And even more, he wanted nothing more than to just be honest with Sal and finally have the bravery to be real with him and show him the love and affection he deserved. 

He wanted out of college, he wanted out of the isolation, out of the fake shell he created, out of the toxic friend group, out of the closet, out in the open. 

His head began to ache as his drunken state began to wear away and thoughts began to make too much sense to him. He kicks off his shoes and strips down to his underwear to crawl under the thin sheets of his bed. He took a final glance outside of his window to the empty courtyard that was painted in the sheen of the moonlight.

"When did things become so hard and confusing? I want to go back to when it was all so simple and meaningless."


	5. THE QUIET/DKLA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I don't mind that I know that you're wrong  
> I don't mind that you think you're right  
> All I want is a fight to fight  
> Anything but quiet”
> 
> “THE QUIET” Troye Sivan
> 
> “ Take my breath away, you know I'm bound to choke  
> When I close my eyes. I still see your ghost”
> 
> “DKLA” Troye Sivan

June 2nd, 1995 7:38 p.m. 

Sal sat in the quiet of his dorm room at his desk. His head was propped up by his two hands repeatedly raking through his hair as he skims through his notes and textbooks. His eyes trace through the words in front of him, but no matter how many times he reads it and how carefully he reads it, each time it seemed to make less and less sense to him. His frustration was building and it only got worse every time he looked up to the calendar that hung on his wall with only a single marking on it: 'FINAL EXAM' written over certain days in red marker with the subject added below it. 

His eyes felt as though they were being dragged down by the sheer weight of stress he was going through and his head felt like it could pop off of his shoulders. The scent of a half eaten and cold cup noodle bowl filled the room. Sal couldn't be bothered to eat, he knew it would further upset his stomach that felt like it was in knots. 

"Why did I choose this of all things? I hate this." He said as he rubbed his hands over his face, wiping the beading sweat off of his upper lip and forehead. He cursed himself for going for a degree in finance. He figured money was something everyone had to work with, he thought it would be helpful. Turns out the only thing it has done for him so far is drive him to the brink of insanity. The tip of his pencil remains unmoved on top of the paper of his notebook and he stares at it hoping that it would cause it to move and do what he needed it to. The pencil falls out of his hand and he closes his notebook. "Fuck this I need a break." 

As he looks at his cluttered desk, he sees a crumpled piece of paper peeking up from underneath his notebook. He knows what it is and feels his heart flutter as his fingertips reach for it. He opens up the ball of paper to reveal the name he had burned in his memory and the number of the voice he so desired to hear echo in his eardrums again. 

~ 

March 23rd, 1995 4:27 p.m. 

Sal sat across the table from Joe and Murr, a joyous reunion between friends after not seeing each other for almost half a year now it seemed. Sal was happy to see them, but knew things could be happier if the empty seat next to him was filled. The two others at the table could see that Sal was transfixed on the missing member of their team and couldn't ignore it or tip toe around the issue. 

"Okay Sal, what's going on with you and Q? This seems to be an ongoing thing with you guys ever since graduation." Murr finally speaks up after looking to Joe and raising a brow. Sal's attention is quickly back to his friends. What can he even say to them? He doesn't want to out Q to them, but how can he explain anything without doing so. You can't tell a half assed story and expect them to see the full picture of the scenario. 

"It's... complicated. I know but I also don't know at the same time." His voice trails off as his tone becomes quieter. He doesn't say anything else and stares at the cup of water in front of him. 

"...Well? So what's going on then? One moment you two are attached at the hip, and the next you're avoiding each other like the plague. That doesn't just happen for no reason." Joe was right and Sal knew it. His eyes shift around the table and the room felt sweltering hot as the pit of anxiety began to consume him. There was no point in lying to the guys, so Sal bit the bullet and the confessions began to roll. 

"You cannot EVER repeat any of this. Got it?" Sal looks around to see if any listening ears were around. He recognized none of the faces, but he was still paranoid that somehow it would all cycle back to Q and ruin their whatever remains of their 'friendship.' Both Joe and Murr look to each other, shrug, and lean in close for Sal to dish out whatever junk he had trapped and sealed away inside. 

"So that night of graduation, Q and I got a little tipsy and I may have confessed some feelings and we..." He felt his face flush red as he recalled some of the details of that night. His lips pursed together but he knew he couldn't stop what he started, "got intimate with each other." Murr's jaw dropped onto the table and Joe's eyes managed to somehow bulge more than they usually did. 

"And you're talking about Q? Our Q? Brian Quinn? That Q?" Joe finally speaks, icy blue eyes still glowing with intrigue and shock. 

"Yes, Joe. Well I woke up the next morning and he was just... Gone. He hasn't said anything about it or really spoken to me since then. I want to say something already because the silence is driving me insane. I miss him." Sal grows somber. Nothing ached more than the unresolved conflict with the other boy. So much he wants to say but there was no one on the receiving end, no means of contacting him or knowing where he is. Every time Q came home to visit, it seemed as though he bent over backwards to ensure his schedule was full and so he could avoid Sal. As if the initial heartbreak of being ditched after feeling as though feelings were reciprocated wasn't enough, realizing Q was actively avoiding him was the salt in the wound with lemon juice sprinkled on top. 

Joe and Murr were left speechless and unsure of what to say. They wanted to comfort him, but they didn't quite know what to do to help heal the gash that Q created on Sal's aching heart. Joe rips part of his receipt off, grabs the pen that was left on the table, and whips his phone out and starts scribbling down some numbers. He slides the paper across the table and over to Sal and gives him a sympathetic smile. 

"I know there's nothing like talking to someone face to face but this is the best I can do for you bud. Got it from him when he visited last winter." Sal looks to the paper and sees 'Q's number' at the top and the phone number written below it in large font. 

"Give him a call soon. I bet he's missing you too, Sal." Murr chimes in as he finally found words to help add something positive to the active conversation. 

~

June 2nd, 1995 7:46 p.m. 

"Just call him Sal. Punch in the numbers already." He stares at the phone in his hand. The only thing he feared with this call was if he was gonna hang up once he heard his voice or if the conversation would end up going south. There was only one way to find out. 

Without another moment's thought, he shakily pressed number by number and hit the call button without anymore hesitation. He held the phone up to his ear and felt the butterflies in his stomach and the wait tone played in his ear. 

"This is a stupid idea." He curses to himself. Already he was regretting this decision to make such a sudden call. He didn't even think about what he was going to say or how to even approach the divide they've found themselves in. There was no turning back from this. 

"Hello?" Q's voice came through and Sal felt like he could have broken down the moment he finally heard him again. 

"Q... It's really you." Sal felt overwhelmed. A combination of pining, relief, and pain filled him. 

"Who is this?" Q recognized the voice but hadn't heard it in so long that he couldn't quite put a face to the voice that he was hearing. 

"It's Sal." Q's heart exploded in his chest. Good or bad, he couldn't really tell. "I uh— I wanted to call you because it's been some time since we last talked to each other." Q sat on his bed blankly staring at the posters on his wall as all his senses began to dull. Sal's voice sounded like an echo in a tunnel and the sound of his heartbeat began to ring in his ears. 

"Yeah... It has been kinda long hasn't it..." He pondered on if he should hang up, if he should change his number, if he should just pretend there's bad reception where he is. But he forced himself to stay on the line because he couldn't bear to withstand ignoring Sal any longer, especially because he found a means and the efforts to contact him. Sal chewed on the insides of his cheeks and he knew that within the next moments, the momentum he would start rolling wouldn't stop until he got the answers he ached for. 

"I'm gonna be up front here Brian: I know you're avoiding me. Let me rewind here actually to when it all fell apart for us. It's ever since graduation night when we got drunk, or it was more the morning after really when you disappeared. I know you left because you couldn't face your feelings, and that's why you avoided me too was so you didn't have to feel that again. I gave you all the space and time, but the only thing it grew was distance. I sat here patiently hoping you would have some kind of answer for me when you got back, but even when you came back home you went to hang out with James and Joe, but never bothered to look me up. I'm not trying to pat myself on the back here, but I was there for you one hundred percent of the time. Every break up, every sticky situation I was there for you consoling you and making sure you were okay. And here you are, unable to give me a simple explanation as to what we are or what you even think about us, about me. Instead i'm given a giant game of hide and seek with you. Maybe i'm being pushy about this, but a year of utter silence and waiting around for something to happen has me messed up inside." Sal feels energy surge and his ears heat up with frustration. His breathing is labored as he catches his breath from his emotional dump into the speaker of his phone. 

Q takes the blow and realizes that this problem was much bigger than him. This wasn't only affecting him and he was too caught up in his own emotions to even think about the damage he could have done yo Sal. 

"I... I don't know what to say." He truly was at a loss for words. He had no excuses, no explanations, nothing. 

"Well say SOMETHING Brian. ANYTHING! Anything that can just end the quiet. Anything that will let me know you still have a heart." His anger begins to pent up and flow over. After a year of saving up words, how could he not even have one to say to him? 

"I'm sorry." Was all he could get out, and he really did mean it. That was what was held in the valves of his heart for so long, something he wanted to say to him. He felt sorry for Sal, for stringing him along, for not knowing what to say, for not being who he should have been, for not knowing who he is. He waits as the white noise of the phone trickles in his ear. 

"Is that all you really have to say? I pour everything out and that's all you can say?! I pour my heart out and that's the only thing you have to say Brian?" Sal acted on his emotional impulse and felt offended. He knew Q was often a man of few words but he could say something that mattered when it counted. Of all times he could fall short on words, he chose now. "I really hoped that maybe getting away from everything that surrounded you like a pack of wolves would have helped you figure things out, but it seems you have managed to run even further from yourself. I have to go and study, don't bother calling me." Sal hangs up with nothing else to say as small silent tears fall down his heated cheeks. There was that all too familiar emotional cocktail, the one that he felt when Q had left for college. 

He takes the collar of his shirt and dries away his tears and sniffles to stop his nose from running anymore. Sat back at his desk, he opens up the text book and his notebook and is right back where he was. 

"Whatever." He grumbles out, picking up his pencil to distract himself from the reopened wound in his heart. 

Q sat there with the phone still pressed to his ear, a blank expression of hurt on his fave as the dead tone rings in a continuous still note. He was finally given the opportunity to figure things out and pick up the pieces he had left broken, only to watch it shatter as he fumbled down into an abyss of uncertainty. 

"Sal..." The first time in a year he finally spoke his name. It felt like a lump in his throat that he could never get rid of. He felt like shit, like a storm cloud has swallowed his whole being. 

He looked at his phone and saw Sal's number now sitting at the top of his 'recent calls' list. 

"I'll find the words soon..."

June 28th, 1995 5:14 p.m. 

"It's summer Sal, what could go wrong?" Joe called out as he emerged from the pool. Sal sat at the edge with his legs dipped in, staring at the translucent body of water before him. 

"He just hasn't stopped calling me. It's my turn to play the silent game."

"So you did call him?!" Murr says treading water in front of Sal to listen in on the juicy gossip. 

"Yeah and all he got in was 5 words maybe. Had nothing to say after I opened up." Sal pouts as he feels the anger rising again thinking about that seemingly stupid conversation he risked having with him. 'i'm sorry' was all that he could hear whenever he sat alone in silence, it was burned in his memory and he played it over and over like a broken record. He didn't know why he was so fixated on it, but he couldn't help but feel a little guilty. 

"Well Q isn't good with words, we all know this. Guy can barely speak a single sentence." Joe gives his signature smirk thinking about the falters in Q's speech. "You should answer his calls though in all seriousness. Maybe he didn't have the words at the time and now he does to really convey what he wants to. He gave you the time of day to listen to you when you called, why not do the same instead of playing this game of emotional tag?" 

"Joe's got a point, Sal. Fighting fire with fire is only gonna make the fire bigger and more destructive." Murr floats on by again and Sal sulks and crosses his arms over his chest. He knew they were right but he would never admit it out loud. He was stubborn that way, as long as he could stay quiet and avoid Q, he would. 

His phone began buzzing again on the iron table outside by the pool. The sound was loud enough to draw the attention of all three of them, heads turning to where the noise was coming from. Sal sat there with a scowl on his face, unmoving and as still as a statue.

"You ain't gonna answer that pal?" Joe says pointing his thumb to the still ringing phone. Sal shook his head in response, and then Joe starts walking over to the phone. His arm outstretched to grab it and he sees Q's name as the contact name for the number and his smile grows wider. 

Sal hops up faster than a rabbit on Easter and stumbles his way over to Joe to prevent him from moving any further. He half slipped over and Joe holds the now open phone over his head and attempts to push Sal away as he wrestles to get his phone back. Murr watches from the pool dying of laughter as he watches the scene unfold before him. 

"Sal-ty Vulcano speaking how may I piss you off?" Joe yells into the speaker of the phone. 

"JOSEPH GATTO I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU!" Joe drops the phone out of his hand onto the concrete pool deck as Sal throws him to the ground thinking he still had the phone. 

On the other end, Q sits in the seat of his car wide eyed and wondering what was happening on their end of the phone call. 

"Gatto?? Sal?? Anyone there??" All he could hear through the phone was muffled noises, Sal's incoherent screams of anger, and Murr's high pitched laughter in the distance. "Guys if you don't answer within the next few seconds i'm hanging up." Nothing he hears changes at all. He huffs and hangs up the phone and presses his forehead against his steering wheel. So much for one last attempt. 

He turns the engine over and his car starts with a hum and music begins statically playing through the radio. He stares out the front windshield for a moment, staring off to the grand oak tree that stood tall in the center of the courtyard of his school, watching as the leaves rustle in the faint breeze and takes a moment to self reflect and ask himself if this is really a good idea. He closes his eyes and all he can see is the final melancholic look upon Sal's face the last time he saw him, and his heart broke. 

"If he won't answer my calls, the only way you can solve this is face to face. Grow some balls Quinn. Find your words. Fix your mistake. Fix your relationship, even if it terrifies you." When he opens his eyes, he fixes them on the road that would now lead him to where he needed to be. He changes gears and the car was put into motion, there was no backing out of the promise he made himself. "I'm coming for you Vulcano, whether you want me or not."

Meanwhile, Sal finally snaps his phone closed seeing as Q had hung up and stares Joe in the eyes with the fires of boiling rage hidden behind his own. All Joe does is laugh. 

"I've had enough of this hoopla, i'm going home. Thank you for being a gracious host and a pain in my ass Gatto." He snatches his towel and wallet and begins to walk to the side gate and makes his swift exit. 

As he sits in his car, he examines his phone looking at the new scratches but luckily no severe irreversible damage was done to the phone, only his dignity. He tosses the phone onto the towel that was draped onto the passenger seat and turns over the car engine to drive on home. Joe and Murr's words play in his head and his mind was back on Q soon enough. 

Sal would give anything to see him right now, to feel the way he did before physically and emotionally. He missed the overwhelming flood of endorphins that absolutely engulfed him anytime he was around the other boy, the way his heart surged with excitement and his face would go red hot at his smile. He missed his having him by his side, the way his eyes were marbled like melted chocolate and perfectly formed to clasp his heart, the way his smile seemed to shine brighter than a constellation on a clear night. The way he felt. No one could touch him the way Q did that night. Despite being drunk, there was a fluid way of how Q handled him. Like a crashing wave, he was rough but graceful about it, rhythmic in his movements, and when the wave crashed ashore it left Sal breathless. 

He sneaks his way upstairs and straight to the shower to wash the stench of chlorine off of his body and to hide away a growing pain that ached for attention. He steps into the shower and feels as the warm water coats his skin and his imagination comes alive. 

"I hate you..." Sal grumbles out as a tight fists forms around his aching cock. A few tugs in and he feels the moans threatening to escape his throat, but he catches them and seals them away in his diaphragm. His eyes are carefully closed and he plays out all he wished to relive. The memory so vivid he swore he could almost smell the alcohol and Q's musk that radiated off of his skin. He fucks his fist harder and faster with each rising detail that surfaces in his memory and tantalizes his senses that ache for more. His mouth was hung open as inaudible breaths come out and mix with the steam of the water. His back was pressed against the cool marble of the shower bracing him for the euphoria of his climax. 

The thing that sent him over the edge: the memory of Q's gruff voice groaning out as he pounded into him "You see what you do to me? How hard and hot you make me?" Sal's body felt as though it could collapse in on himself as hot spurts of cum shoot onto his stomach and chest, a soft hoarse moan being the only noise he allowed out of himself. He pants as he leans against the wall to catch his breath as the hot water continues to tap against his skin. 

"...But you're all I think about."


	6. TALK ME DOWN/TOO GOOD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “And I know I like to draw at night, it starts to get surreal  
> But the less time that I spend with you, the less you need to heal”  
> “TALK ME DOWN” Troye Sivan  
> “ Fingers walk your thigh  
> Breathe my love, get high  
> And ohh, I'm so scared  
> Ohh, I'm so scared  
> It's just for tonight”  
> “TOO GOOD” Troye Sivan

June 28th, 1995 8:54 p.m. 

Locked away in the solitude of his room, Sal was sat on his bed, head resting up against the headboard and eyes closed. He was grateful his phone had finally stopped ringing almost every hour on the hour, but it made him feel lonely at the same time too. He fell back into the silence that he loathed. 

Why is it that he continues to dance around his head so frivolously? He didn't want to think about him as much as he did, but he couldn't help it for some reason. Q continues to this day to be the only man he could ever dream about, a stain upon his heart that seemed to never vanish. He wanted so badly to hate him, to call him a strew of nasty things and be done with all the emotions. But his heart wouldn't allow what his head wanted. Pictures, memories, thoughts, they all were bittersweet and decadent. All the good memories seemed to outweigh the bad despite the disproportionate amount of such memories. 

"You can't have him, get over yourself." He cursed to himself in his head as he folds his arms across his chest. Or could he? He had him for one night, why couldn't he have him for another? The door should have been sealed shut, but there was a crack in it that allowed everything to permeate in his head and fog up all rationality. 

"He probably found someone else at school." He tried to convince himself that it was all off limits. The thought of Q touching someone else the way he touched Sal, it infuriated him. Ravished with jealousy, his head began to rise in heat and pressure points began to rise on different locations of his skull. But why would he call so much if he wasn't interested? Wouldn't it seem weird if he was behaving like this while he was dating someone?

"Sal!" Finally, a voice that wasn't his own calling to him. He heard his name echo up the stairs and into his room. Dad was calling him. His eyes pry open and stare briefly to the familiar four walls that encased him. As he steps down the stairs to see what the commotion is all about, he sees the door open and his dad talking to whoever had decided to pay a visit. His dad's body blocked Sal's ability to see who it was. Maybe it was Joe or Murr, it wouldn't have surprised him if he had forgotten something at Joe's place. 

"You called me dad?" His dad's head turns around with a big smile and he slowly steps out of the way to reveal the surprise visitor. Sal's eyes go wide and he feels his heart stop. 

"Yeah, you got a visitor!" His dad retreats off into the living room leaving the two to marinate in the awkward tension. There he was, hands overlapping each other in front of him, head hung low, and eyes full of nerves. Sal had endlessly played this scenario in his head. Each time he imagined it, he always had something big to say and make a scene and then dramatically slamming the door in his face and finally satisfying his urge to give him a taste of his own medicine. Now, being face to face with his problem, he wasn't sure what to do. His mind had gone completely blank and wasn't sure how to process everything. 

Q's lips pursed together and his eyes bounced between where his feet were and up to Sal. He felt Sal judging him, he felt the resentment, the hurt. He also felt exuberant when he looked at Sal, an overwhelming flood of euphoria hits him and sent his heart fluttering. 

"Why are you here?" Sal finally spoke with a tone of confusion and disgust after getting the words dislodged from his throat.

"I want to take you for a ride around the neighborhood. I found my words." Q points his thumb to his car parked out on the curb. Sal swallows hard. Does he continue to be stubborn and keep playing the torturous game of silence? Or does he give in to all his temptation and hear out the man that broke his heart and led him on.

'Don't do it. Don't say yes. You'd be a fool.' He thought in his head. He looked at Q and saw the absolute desperation. His eyes were dragged down and his lips formed a frown that was similar to a child's when their ice cream cone slipped out of their tiny hands and splattered at their feet. Guilt cracked down and Sal and he felt his shoulders tense in closer to his body and his elbows poke into his sides. When his body finally eases, he lets out a deep exhale through his nostrils. 

Without another word, Sal grabs his sweater off of the coat hanger, steps outside next to Q, and closes the door. Second chances. It was something Q feared, but it was gifted to him with hope. Q was wordless once more as he stood vulnerable before Sal with self-reproach in his eyes. He didn't know why he did it, but he gave Sal a hug. A long overdue physical gesture and it had restorative energy as the two felt bonds mending back to their former state, to what they were long before they made their own mistakes. 

"I missed you." Those words were like music in Sal's ears, the equivalent of angelic harmony quite frankly. Nothing was more endearing than hearing that someone you had missed painfully had also missed you too. Sal reciprocated and hugged him like he never intended on letting go again. 

When he breathed in, it was the familiar nostalgic scent of the man he fell for. It didn't bring the bad memories back. No, it brought back running around the mall arcade with a pocket full of quarters that jangled with each step. It brought back watching horror movies at Q's place on the couch with a blanket held up and ready to shield his eyes from the bloodbath or jump-scares as Q chuckled at the sight. But most importantly: it brought back the reasons why he fell for him in the first place. 

"We've got a lot to talk about." Sal says into Q's shoulder and pulls away to walk over to the car. 

"We do, don't we Sally?" He whispers to himself. He feels his anxiety welling, it's the first time he's ever been the person to confront an issue head on like this. He's willingly walking into a fire and he accepted his fate, whether it be burning to ash or coming out the other end miraculously unscathed. 

They're sat in the car and the engine hums low as they peruse the familiar territory of the neighborhood. The car was silent, the radio was off, and Q braves himself and forces himself to talk. 

"I messed up." Q swallows hard as the first words to his demise finally fell past his lips. Sal's eyebrows fall low on his face in annoyance. 

"Wonder what made you draw that conclusion." He says sarcastically, Q responds quickly with a sigh. What else did he expect really.

"Okay. Sal, i'm trying to be serious here." Q smirks a bit, it was just typical Sal sarcasm. He didn't realize how much he missed it. His face slowly melded back to seriousness and out came the words he carefully crafted together in his isolation and desperation. "Yes, I messed up. Very obvious. I've had time to find what I wanted to say without making myself look like a complete idiot. I'm an idiot, but hopefully not a complete one. Let's start from the top here like you did: I ran off. I didn't know what else to do. I've always ever been with girls, and drunk me and my stupid heart decided to throw a monkey wrench into things and send me for a ride that I wasn't ready for. I really thought I could lie to you as well and pretend that night never happened, so to avoid it all together, I avoided the main piece of the memory: you. And after that, I ran even further thinking I could escape my problems, we were off to college. What goes up must come down as they say. Once I felt I was on top of everything, I came crashing down hard. I became everything I ever wanted there, but it was all one huge lie not only to others but myself especially. I eventually got called on it by someone close to me there and it was a rude awakening. That's when I came crashing down. I had some time to reflect on what she said to me and when I looked in the mirror, I didn't even see me anymore and it was scary. Reality started sinking in and I had to face my demons by myself. I didn't feel real. When you called me out of the blue, I was still so scared and that's where I fell flat. I fell short on words and couldn't give you the closure you deserve. That's why i'm here, I want to fix everything I destroyed between us. If i'm being honest: I didn't understand my feelings then, and I still don't fully understand them now but you just are a constant thought in my head and there's no changing that, no matter how hard I tried." Sal sits there astonished. Never had he seen Q so articulate, so vulnerable. Sal couldn't feel anger anymore. How could he? Q made the effort to try and call him then went as far as to drive to his house just to talk. 

"Q... I had no idea." Emotions well up inside. He couldn't even begin to imagine the amount of turmoil and fear Q felt going through all of this alone. 

"I'm sorry Sal. I could have said something, I could have fixed it all sooner, but I chose to stay quiet and try and handle it by myself. I was so stupid." The car continued down the road and each streetlight they passed under illuminated the car for a brief moment. In the light, Sal could see a single crystal tear tracing down Q's cheek. 

"I was so childish Q. I could have heard you out but I ignored your calls. All of them." Guilt. Sal knew he wasn't an angel in this whole situation and he contributed to the fire as much as Q did. Q kept his eyes on the road wondering how Sal could even bear to look at the mess he is. 

"How do you not hate me?"

"How could I?" Q pulls the car to the shoulder lane and puts it into park. Heavy tears fell down his face. The empathy from Sal was enough to overwhelm him. He didn't deserve it. Happiness never came easy, and anytime it did, Q was quick to reject it all. He has his face buried in his hands to hide the heavy rain that fell from his clouded eyes. 

Sal watched as Q fell apart in front of him but didn't do anything to stop it. This is what healing looked like for Q and Sal wanted him to feel everything for once rather than push it all down and hope it would disappear. He places a hand on Q's shoulder and smooths over it soothingly. His shoulders bounced with each broken sob and soon Sal felt light tears on his cheeks. Q's emotions felt so loud and broken, Sal couldn't help but cry too. 

"Brian..." He whispers out as he leans his head onto Q's shoulder and gives him the best side hug he could. He perks up and pulls away a bit, his right hand going from his shoulder until the reach his warm cheek soaked in tears. He redirects his eyes to his, and his sobs ceased. Silent tears. 

Q's thoughts go deathly quiet with only one thing playing: Do it. And so he did. His hands shoot to Sal's cheeks and he presses their lips together. Sal was shocked but was quick to melt and move his lips in synch with Q's. They pull away and their foreheads are pressed against one another. 

"That felt.. very nice." Q mumbles out. Sal couldn't help but giggle because Q was now back to his old speaking ways with terrible diction and a lack of appropriate word choice. 

Sal returns the favor and reconnects their lips once more aching to have another taste of what should be his. The kisses grows more aggressive and Sal's tongue traces Q's lips. Q allows its entrance and soon they're passionately making out. They moan against each others lips, tongues intertwined between them, and hands become grabby. Q gently pushes Sal away, lips swollen and lungs aching for air. 

"Sally, i'd love to do it in a car but my windows are a little too clear and I don't think I want a run in with the cops. Two, I just cleaned my car and would like to try and keep it that way for once. And three, it's just be a little more comfortable in a bedroom." Sal was already slipping into a mental fog and barely caught what Q was telling him but he absorbed enough to know he wanted to get to the bedroom in question now. 

"How far are we from your place?"

"Depends on how bad you want it baby." Q's voice dropped several octaves and the sultry look in his eyes made the blood pump fast in Sal. 

"If you don't stop talking and start driving now I could bust at any moment." Q has his lips captured between his teeth as that thought danced in his head. 

"Well let's go then."

June 28th, 1995 10:39 p.m. 

They quietly enter the house, shoes off and socks on to ensure the quietest of footsteps. The lights were all off in the house signaling to Q that his parents were probably dead asleep by now. The perks of having parents that run on a schedule. 

Q wraps his hand around Sal's wrist and guides him upstairs and to his room. Once the door is shut and locked, he wastes no time attaching his lips to Sal's. They both were already painfully hard in their pants, Q could especially feel it when he had Sal pinned against the wall like a piece of priceless art and ground their hips together. His fingers laced into his belt loops to bring his hips closer and undo the button on his jeans. 

"Fuck. Tell me to stop Sal. Tell me this is wrong." Q growls as he feels Sal's hands crawl all over his body and set fire to his entire nervous system. 

"Keep going Brian, I need more of you. Please I want more." Sal whines out in desperation. His skin felt like it could melt off and the aching pain in his pants wouldn't cease for a moment. "I want you." Those three words were enough to rid Q's mind of any hesitation or second thoughts. 

"Now you're going to have to be nice and quiet for me Sally. We don't want any unwanted guests." His fingers tilt Sal's head up as his thumb caresses the tip of his chin. "Can you do that for me?" His voice was hushed and low and the heat of his breath mixed with Sal's shallow breaths. Sal nods slow and eagerly with eyes half lidded wanting nothing but to feel Q's bare skin on his. 

With a smirk Q places a few more kisses on his lover's lips before rerouting down to his jawline, then his neck as he removed Sal's shirt, removed his own shirt, kissed all over Sal's bare chest and leaving a few beautiful paisley bruises behind. Sal was hugging Q's head in closer, his senses heightened and everything felt like a dream. His lips slightly part as he lets out soft moans trying his best to keep his volume down and listen to what Q had told him.

Q licked his lips as he was left on his knees, face to face with the tent in Sal's pants. All his thoughts has ceased, the only thing filling his thoughts and senses were all attached to Sal. He pulls his pants and boxers down and stare in awe at the sight of Sal's hard on in front of him: flushed red because of how hard he was and a tiny spot of pre-cum already pooling at the tip.

He licked along the bottom of his cock with a smile on his face as he watched Sal's face contort in pleasure and his hand cover his mouth to stop all the moans from escaping. With a final kiss atop the tip of his cock, Q took him into his hot wet mouth. 

Sal couldn't believe what he was seeing in front of him, but he wasn't about to complain. If anything, he made his best efforts to capture this moment safe away in his memory. The only thing he allowed to slip past his lips and fingers the covered his mouth were soft profanities and breathless moans. 

Q slowly took more and more of Sal into his mouth, hollowing his cheeks out and sucking hard. He hummed as his head bobbed and listened carefully to all the little noises that Sal made which contributed to his intense arousal and his efforts to work harder to get Sal to cum. 

"B-Brian... Brian. I'm gonna cum. Brian." He kept saying his name over and over in a hushed tone as he pushes further back into the wall supporting him, finger tips and palms pressing hard into it as his eyes rolled into the back of his head. Q doubled down and worked his mouth faster and used his hands to bring Sal's hips in closer. "I'm—" Sal's hands hold Q's head in place as he snaps his hips and lets out a low strained groan as he releases into his mouth. Q feels the warm liquid leak down his throat and hums as he pulls off of Sal with a pop and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. 

"Tell me what you want." Q says as he makes his way back up to eye level with Sal. He leaves hickeys all over his shoulder awaiting his response. 

"More. I want more." Sal pushes away from the wall and they tumble towards the bed. "Take your pants off." Sal had a hunger for more of the forbidden fruit in Q's garden. A lustful, gluttonous hunger tainted his heart and soul. No longer would he pine and crave, he would take what he desired if the offer was placed in front of him. 

The two were bare flesh before each other, everything exposed. Q took one look at Sal and the darkness that shadowed his once glimmering green eyes and felt himself melt inside. Q lays back with his upper half propped against some pillows and the headboard of his bed and watched Sal slither on top of him and reconnect their already swollen lips. 

"Let me return the favor. You just lay there and enjoy yourself." Sal says in a soft voice, he leans back and grinds his bare ass against Q's aching hard on. Q watches each of Sal's movements with carefully trained eyes that never peeled away from the marvelous spectacle he imagined endlessly on his loneliest of nights. "Got any lube?" Q was quick to rustle through his nightstand and give Sal what he was looking for. "I always love how prepared you are for things like this you filthy boy." Sal takes some lube in his hand and pumps Q's cock a few times to generously coat it with lube. The cool liquid was a pleasurable contrast against the radiating heat of his cock, the sensation making Q buck his hips up off of the mattress. 

"Sal. Stop teasing me." Q's hands are dug into Sal's hips and Sal knew there would be lovely ombré bruises where his fingers were. Finally Sal sinks down onto his cock, eyes shut and mouth agape with hushed groans that scratched as his throat escaping into the deafening silence of the house. His hands smooth over Q's chest, taking in the rough sensation of the chest hairs that tickle his finger tips. 

"You're so fucking huge Bri. God you fill me so well." Sal slowly lifts his hips up and allows gravity to do its thing as he slams back down onto Q. Q almost slips out a loud moan but was quick to catch his bottom lip in his teeth and seal his lips shut fast. 

Sal's hips soon work into a rhythm, leaning back and holding onto Q's thighs for support as he bounced up and down, his own leaking dick slapping against his stomach violently with each snap of his hips. 

"Sal baby. You're so tight, so hot. You drive me insane." His hands traveled all over whatever skin he could come into contact with until they travelled to Sal's cock. He wraps his broad hand around it and pumps Sal closer to his climax. The room filled with breathy gasps to replace all the other dirty noises they wished they could make. 

"Brian... I'm gonna cum again. Fuck." Sal's voice was strained and his body had started to grow tired. 

"Me to Sally. Fuck i'm so close." Q decided to help Sal out and began to thrust his hips upwards and meet Sal halfway and manage to slam his cock further into him causing Sal to grunt each time their hips met. Soon Sal was tipped over the edge as his legs finally gave out and he was fully seated on Q cock, spilling all over Q's chest and fist. 

Q watched in awe and it was enough to send shockwaves through him that caused him to spill deep and hard into Sal with a drawn out moan. Sal falls onto Q's chest, rising and falling with each breath that he takes. Both of their minds were still fogged with lust and it left them both rendered speechless. 

"God Sal. You're too good for me."


	7. for him./YOUTH

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “'Cause we've no time for getting old  
> Mortal body, timeless souls  
> Cross your fingers, here we go”  
> “YOUTH” Troye Sivan  
> “Sickeningly sweet like honey, don't need money  
> All I need is you”  
> “For him.” Troye Sivan
> 
> WARNING: Use of homophobic language

July 2nd, 1995 6:58 p.m.

It had been over a year now since Sal and Q began talking again, a budding romance had come to blossom and intertwine them together in the bush of roses they manifested within their hearts. A beautiful spectacle of a crimson color lit up around them like neon trapped within a glass tube, it was blinding but beautiful. They never had an official label for what they were, and they were their own little secret. That didn't bother either of them at all, they had each other and they knew that was all they needed, they felt content for once. 

Q wasn't sure what they were as far as labels went, but he knew this wasn't just simply friendship. In the beginning he was averse to showing any public display of affection, the arcade was just one of many examples. As time went on, he found himself growing a little more comfortable as Sal held his hand on the path of his own self acceptance. They held hands under the dining table whenever they went out, occasionally getting a little too loud when talking on the phone with him, more frequent sleepovers and outings with just the two of them. There was only one thing that stopped him from fully embracing himself and just being out: the idea of his family finding out. It was a fear of the unknown outcome of it all. What would his parents say? Would they be disappointed? Would they be accepting? He wasn't sure he wanted to find out, so he continued to keep him and Sal under wraps, showing subtle affection when he could to show Sal he still cared. 

Sal didn't mind at all, he wanted nothing more than for Q to just feel safe for once. He kept his mouth shut, and he believed it was probably better that way not only for the sake of Q, but for himself too. He never would admit it to Q, but he had his own internal battle that he was fighting. His issue took a more physical form: his own family. He tried to come out once before, it all started as a simple conversation at the dinner table but quickly turned into burning accusations. It was a secret he never told anyone, an inevitable fate he could only escape for temporary periods of time. His house was a castle of lies for him. College was his relief, his escape. The four walls of his dorm held his secrets and it transformed into pandora's box; A thing never to be opened. Forever sealed and kept away from prying hands that tried to peel back the layers of his flesh and bone to expose the things they found deplorable.

They were ghosts under sheets and only they could truly see each other when they removed the blankets from the other. But at least together, they felt safer than they did alone. 

"The sky looks gorgeous." Q had said one day as he looked out the window of his dorm, phone carefully held to his ear. "What's it look like where you are?"

"Blue." Sal said confused as he looked outside to the clear blue cool spring sky, "why ask such a silly question?" 

"Why not?" Q smiled to himself. It was the question he asked from then on every time he was on the phone with him. It was his "I love you," and the response had grown into Sal's "I love you too." Their love had formed its own language, and it sounded so beautiful and effortlessly perfect to them.

Summer had finally approached and the summer fair had rolled into their home town. Q was kind enough to offer a ride to his friends, Sal in the front seat as always with Joe and Murr shoved into the back seat. Joe and Murr were let in on the lover's secret, and to no surprise, they were met with an abundance of joy and acceptance from them and confessions that they had an inkling that they were now exclusively each other. As they went down the road, the sun lowered behind them and slowly unveiled sprinkles of stars in the dimming sky. And on the horizon and approaching fast was the glow of the carnival lights. Blasts of neon and lightbulbs that flashed like blinking camera lights, the endless ringing of carnival games, the clamor of drunk people stumbling about the dirt ground, and the almost nauseating scent of fried foods and popcorn.

Naturally, Joe guided them all to where the best foods were, making sure he ate a regular meal first before he made himself sick off of all the decadent sweets scattered about the fair. They all sat around at a picnic table scarfing down the greasy delicacies the fair had to offer. They all knew it would make them sick at some point in the evening, but they chose to ignore that thought until it made its rounds in their digestive systems. They talked about school and shared stories of the one professor of the semester that unnecessarily pissed them off for no good reason.

"I can guarantee that none of you have ever had an english professor tell you that the interpretation of a metaphor was wrong." Murr says pushing his glasses back up his face.

"The hell do you mean wrong? It's english, there's never one interpretation." Joe says between bites of his burger, bits and pieces of chewed food flying out of his mouth as he looks at Murr with a confused glance.

"That's exactly what I mean!" Murr's excitement spurs a fit of laughter amongst the friends. 

"No, Murr. There's a metaphor here. I interpret that the complete stupidity of your professor is symbolic of their need to pull the giant stick out of their ass!" Joe exclaims sarcastically and Sal laughs so hard he leans up against Q and melts into him and almost knocks them both off of the bench. He tenses for a moment, but then allows himself to ease as he laughs alongside Sal. He didn't know why he felt the fears sink away so quickly. Months ago, he would have pushed Sal off of him and looked to the surrounding crowd to see if anyone had seen their moment of affection. This moment felt different, it felt normal for once and he wanted for this feeling to stay. When Sal had come down from his laughing fit and wiped away his tears, he realized the position he was in and he felt his heart stop.

"Fuck, sorry Q!" He sat straight up and brushed Q off. All he did was smile, wrap his arms tightly around Sal, and pulled him in close and chuckled. Sal wasn't sure how to react. Fear because of wandering eyes in a town that's too familiar with him, or comfort that his lover is finally emerging out of the cocoon of safety that had long cradled him. He went with the latter deciding that maybe this was the guiding hand he needed in his to help him along the path of being authentic and true to himself. 

After finishing up their food, they were quick to stomp about the game zone rather than run to all the rides to avoid the risk of having to spill their meal in a nearby trash can. The game zone was filled with the clatter of falling milk jugs, sirens and bells signaling a prize gained by a fair goer, and the cries of children who didn't have the skills or arm power to succeed at the games that were probably rigged anyways. The poorly lit area bounced with an array of dimly lit colored bulbs that flashed in a slow sequence, it was easy on the eyes as the sky had fallen dark over them and a cool breeze rushed in. First stop for them was the water gun game. The four friends paid their fee and filled the seats and took aim at the clown target before them, the bell rang and the game was on. To everyone's shock, Joe had left them all in the dust taking the prize with a boastful "suck it!" He won himself a stuffed toucan and everyone wouldn't stop joking all evening that it looked just like him. They passed the whack-a-mole game and as a joke, collectively made an effort to win Murr the stuffed ferret they had as a prize amongst many other cute stuffed animal rodents. Murr didn't find it funny, but that's what made it even funnier. 

Once out of the maze of bodies and booths, they found themselves in the lighted area of the open field littered with glittering lights and EDM music that thumped with heavy bass. A spectacle of mechanical giants that called to their thrill seeking bones most of which seemed to be semi-working safety violations, but was it truly a carnival if there wasn't a slight risk of getting injured on one of the adrenaline shocking rides? Their first stop was the tilt-a whirl, a terrible first decision. All of them came off the ride feeling sick, moaning and groaning and arguing about who the idiot was in the group that decided that was even remotely a good idea. The roller coaster was Q's favorite. Sal sat next to him in the car, the whole ride through he did not once loosen the grasp he had on Q's arm yelling with each sharp turn that if he died on this death trap, he would haunt him for the rest of his life and he would bitch slap him the moment he stepped into the after-life. While Sal screamed, Q laughed. 

The two lovers stood on the side hand in hand as they watched Joe and Murr spin about on the zipper. It didn't take long for Q to start dragging Sal by his hand though and ditch their two friends who's screams they could hear fade as they trailed further and further away.

"Q?" Sal said hoping his boyfriend would hear as they weave about the crowd. "Bri?" He tried again, but still nothing, his feet tried to keep pace and kept his grip on Q's hand to not get separated. "Brian!" Finally his boyfriend looked back to him with a sweet glistening smile, and he swore he saw the whole galaxy in his eyes. A realm that made him feel like he was suffocating, but at the same time floating in the warmest confines. A dazzling array of constellations glimmered in his eyes and they all connected to the thousands of memories they made, old and new. It felt as though they had escaped off to their own world again, isolated and safe from everyone and everything. Sal didn't get any words out and Q didn't say anything either, not until they found themselves in front of the ferris wheel.

"I thought I could pay for one last ride for us before Gatto suggested we get dessert." Sal was rendered speechless as a smile crept across his face. Together they sat as the rickety structure wheeled the two of them high above the fairgrounds. They could see the tops of the tents, everyone looked like ants as they could see the aura of lights that emitted from the flashing bulbs that bordered each open surface. It was a magnificent sight and they both took a mental picture of it all as Q wrapped his arm around Sal.

"You're being super sentimental tonight, what are you up to?" Sal said as he huddled in closer to Q.

"What? Can't I show you some affection? Besides, the sky looks gorgeous from up here." Sal looks up at the midnight blue abyss dotted with dazzling speckles of white. He felt content in that moment, as though any trial that had come to pass had led to this very moment, and he was happy with it.

"Midnight blue." He said quietly. Q smiled and pressed their lips together. They could feel each other's smiles on their lips and gently pulled away as they felt the ferris wheel go back into motion. When they stepped off the ride,

"Quinn!" Q's eyes darted about the crowd and was met with a familiar face, one he didn't expect to see. "Thought that was you stomping around here."

"Bradley, the hell are you doing on Staten island?" Q was perplexed by the sudden presence of his college buddy making an appearance. He notices Bradley's eyes travel to the hand he had interlocked with Sal's and then up to Sal, then back over to Q. He felt a chill run up his spine and a pain knot in his stomach. 

"Quinn... Please tell me this is a joke. Is this one of your little pranks again?" An awkward laugh escaped Bradley as he tried to process what he was seeing in front of him. Sal felt a wave of hot shame and like he wanted to just disappear, he didn't know this guy but he definitely knew that this wasn't any good news. Q squeezed Sal's hand and stood tall.

"Is there a problem Brad?" 

"Is there a problem? You've got a twisted sense of humor. You're telling me that this is why Suzy was a mess when you came back to school? You dropped Suzy for this?" He gestured over to Sal with a look of utter disdain. Sal felt a pressure building in his head and it hurt to bite back his tongue, but he knew it wasn't his battle to fight.

"I'll have you know this has a name," he removed his hand from Sal's and wrapped his arm around his shoulder to hold him in close "Sal. He's my best friend and my boyfriend." That was the first time he ever called him his boyfriend, he felt it was right. This was his shining moment, the moment where he faced all he feared. No longer was he ashamed, he knew who he was. His hands were shaking, but he refused to back down.

"Boyfriend?" With each word that Bradley spoke, long or short, it added fuel to Sal's fire. "Quinn, this isn't you. Whatever happened to the lady killer? The man who could grab any girl? Threw everything you had going for you to take it up the ass? Disgusting." He stood there almost proud of his low ball insult. Q just sighed.

"Say what you want, I don't give a fuck." Q turned on his heel keeping Sal extra close to him and starting to walk off.

"Bri, I was this close to socking him." Sal huffed feeling his anger boiling down a bit.

"Fucking queer." Bradlet shouted out into the open and laughed all by himself making hundreds of heads turn, including Sal's. In that very moment, Sal had felt a sense of blind rage come over him. He detached himself from Q and quickly stomped over to Bradley who had a shit eating smirk on his face and his arms crossed against his chest, that seemed to piss him off even more. With a swift motion, he socked him square in his face, he winced a bit at the throbbing sensation in his knuckles but watched as Bradley timbered down like a tree.

"So it's true, the taller they are the harder they fall." Sal turned and let his guard down and was sent flying face first into the ground after being kicked in the center of his back. All air had escaped him the moment he hit the ground and he was left wheezing for breath.

"Don't ever touch me fucking fag!" Q watched in shock and awe as a ring of people formed around the two boys rolling about the grass ground. The moment he snapped back to reality, he was quick to try and separate them and get them off of each other. But, just as he pried Sal off, he was met with a hook right into the side of his ribs that knocked the wind right out of him. As he wheezed with Sal in his grasp, he saw two burly men emerge from the crowd. Sal managed to free himself and was ready to start swinging again but was quickly detained by security and watched as Bradley met the same fate. They both spat obscenities at each other as they were pulled to separate exits of the fair.

Q was busy catching his breath, on his knees and holding his side as the crowd began to fade away with mumbles retelling strangers of what just unfolded. Joe and Murr found themselves in front of the momentarily paralyzed Q.

"So much for dessert. Let's get you out of here buddy." Joe joked but in a very serious and cautionary tone. Both him and Murr hoisted him to his feet as they found their way to the exit of the fair. Sal was found sitting at a bench with his face in his hands. Q rested his hand on his shoulder, when his head rose, he saw already forming bruises on the side of his face and a dried up stream of blood under his nose. It scared Q a bit to see him roughed up, he felt like it was almost his fault. 

"Geez Sal, are you okay? Here, take this." Murr brought out a napkin he saved from their meal earlier and gave it to Sal to help with his nose. The moment he dabbed up the excess blood, he felt heavy tears flooding his eyes as he quietly sobbed.

"I'm sorry guys. I couldn't keep myself in check and swung before I could even think about the consequences. I ruined the night for you." He felt guilty. Here they are outside of the fair all because Sal made one terrible decision. All three friends gathered around him to provide shared comfort.

"Well maybe if he kept his mouth shut. Ignorant son of a bitch." Q cursed thinking back on all the gross things Brad had spouted without even hesitating. 

"While I don't condone violence, I get why you did what you did. You have a right to be there and be yourself, he was making you feel unsafe and unwelcome." Joe said as he squeezed Sal's shoulder reassuringly. "Besides, the cotton candy looked like hot garbage and they had the audacity to deep fry all the good stuff. I know a place we can go to, let's get the heck outta here." After Joe gave directions as Q drove, the place ended up being a McDonald's drive through and some ice cream cones. Everyone looked at Joe and all he could do was laugh, and everyone ended up doing the same. They all sat in the parking lot in Q's car quietly enjoying their desserts and it felt as though Sal's slip up had never happened and that this was a completely normal night.

"Thanks guys." He said as everyone's head popped up to look at him.

"For what?" 

"Making me not feel so bad and helping me out."

"You mean being decent friends?" Murr says with a light chuckle, "you guys are like brothers to me, i'd do anything for you guys if you asked... minus crimes... depending on what it is."

"Well. now who am I going to call to help bury that body?!" Joe exaggerated and sent them all into a laughing fit. Healing therapy and laughter was their medicine. 

July 2nd, 1995 11:07 p.m.

The evening came to a close as one by one Q dropped them off at their houses wishing them good night. Last in the car was, of course, Sal. It was pretty quiet since Sal was tired and Q didn't want to bother him too much. His head was pressed against the window, watching as street lights passed by them on the quiet streets of the neighborhood. They pulled up to the front of Sal's home, dark and quiet.

"I hope I didn't mess things up for you at school." Sal says as he sits up and makes sure he gathered all of his things. It didn't matter too much if he did or didn't, he knew he'd be back in his car soon enough.

"I don't care about looking good anymore Sal. I care about being me now. If they can't accept me, they're not my real friends. That's what Gatto told me at least..."

"And he's right, I just feel bad for making a scene." He leans over and presses his forehead against Q's and looks down in mild shame.

"Don't be." His fingers tilt Sal's chin up so their lips could meet for a small kiss. "That was pretty badass, didn't know you had that in you Rocky." Q jokes and Sal rolls his eyes as he opens the door and steps out of the car. "Call me tomorrow, I don't have work and I wanna do something with just you. A date."

"Sure thing Bri. I'll talk to you in the morning. Love you." He watches as Q's car disappears into the night. Quietly he tip toes into his home, hums to himself a familiar tune, and smiles.

"Salvatore." He felt himself nearly jump out of his skin, he turned his head to the dimly lit kitchen where his dad was.

"Hey dad, you scared me." He places his shoes off to the side. "Hope I didn't wake you, I'm going upstairs." 

"No, we need to talk." With those four words, Sal felt a chill run down his spine, the same one that he felt when he saw Bradley earlier. This couldn't be good. "It's about you and Quinn. You better tell me the truth."


End file.
